Over the years I have learned that usually the best way for me to address (and get over) issues, concerns, hurt and anger is to confront the source of the problem head on. No matter how daunting the prospect of a difficult conversation has been, I always felt better having said (or yelled) my piece and by having listened and reacted to the response, and adjusting my view of the situation if warranted.
Recently I have had a couple of nasty experiences, too intensely personal to detail on this blog, that have angered, disappointed, hurt and distressed me. Instead of launching straight into confrontation mode I decided to take the time to think things through, and consider all of my options.
Denial was one course of action I considered, but didn’t take up immediately. It didn’t feel right – it didn’t feel like something I could easily do.
So I took an approach of considered confrontation instead. In relation to the first nasty experience, that approach wasn’t entirely satisfying, and in fact raised more questions than it answered. The matter is now in the hands of others, and while I wait for some kind of outcome I have decided the best thing to do is continue on my merry way, denying that anything bad happened or that anything is troubling me, until I’m asked to demonstrate otherwise. I feel much lighter for having made this decision.
Score 1 for denial.
I took a different tack with the second nasty experience, because it felt like there was much more at stake. It started with a stunned but polite exchange followed by a strategic withdrawal into hurt silence, progressed to seeking wise counsel, and ended with a calm expression of my anger and the reasons for it, and a willingness to listen and believe. All good right? Only it wasn’t really the end. But it is in my mind. Why? Because I am consciously choosing to ignore, or deny, coming events. For now at least.
Call it pretence, repression, avoidance, or denial. Say it will all rise up again to bite me on the arse when I least expect it. Claim it will all end in tears. Tell me I’m weak, or stupid. You're probably right on all counts, but I don’t care.
I am consciously and deliberately choosing to embrace denial in my pursuit of fun, and maybe even happiness. And so far it’s working. God help me.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Denial plays its part. Choosing denial seems healthy to me. It doesn't mean you don't know, you've just chosen to put something on ice.
ReplyDeleteAs a species, I am sure it was one of the evolutionary developments that saved us from extinction.
Doesn't it come back to bite later? :)
ReplyDelete